The house was still except for the three-week-old baby in my arms. An uncontrollable, heart-shaking cry poured out of her tiny mouth. I had been holding her for hours and nothing had changed. My coffee sat cold on the end table. My hair hadn’t seen a shower in days. I hadn’t left the house in a week. And my body was draped with the same type of unpresentable sweat clothes for days. I had only brought this baby home three weeks ago. Joy filled my heart the first time I laid eyes on her. However, these first weeks turned into miserable months as I fought against my new reality.
The reality of cold coffee instead of a warm latte at the coffee shop while reading my Bible. I used to have dates with Jesus. I used to feel spiritual with my alone, quiet time. The reality that I couldn’t say yes to every ladies event at church. I couldn’t make the evening Bible studies with an infant’s needs. The reality I couldn’t wake up and hop in the shower. A baby’s cry from the bed next to mine woke me up first. The reality that I was becoming mom yet I was miserable.
I had heard many women talk about the joy of bringing home your baby for the first time. Like motherhood was something glamorous and sweet. In my few weeks as mom I felt nothing glamorous or sweet. Miserable.
I didn’t dream of becoming a mom like many girls do. I wanted to be that strong, independent, confident career woman. I wanted an image and a position more than a baby on my hips.
Somewhere in my twenties, God allowed circumstances in my life that humbled me greatly. My heart was softened and began to beat with His heart rather than to my own beat. I started seeking my heavenly Father more than a career or an image. I began to pray for more of Him and less of me. While this was my prayer I was far from perfect.
Even after becoming mom I still wanted to serve my flesh more than my people. I still wanted coffee dates, and “me time” away. I was miserable. Constantly fighting against becoming mom.
One day as tears poured down my cheeks I cried out to God, “I can’t do this! I cannot be mom!” Gently I felt Him whisper in my torn heart, “I chose you for her.”
Something changed within me that day. I realized that I was miserable not because of the colicky baby I held but the condition of my heart. I was selfish. I still wanted me more than to become the mom my Father was calling me to.
Jesus came to this earth to serve not to be served. Similarly, God calls mothers, and all of us to serve. To be the servant of all.
So becoming mom is less about the tasks and more about the heart. Serving is not lesser but greater. Laying down your life is not degrading or being a doormat. Becoming mom is bringing us one step closer to the authentic Jesus. The One who prays instead of seeking “me time.” The one who teaches instead of ignoring. The One who touches the hurting instead of turning away.
Matthew 20:26-28 “Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” NKJV
Now 6.5 years into becoming mom I am finding freedom and peace from the turmoil within me. From the desire to give away a little more instead of holding tight to a selfish image. I am now a mother of four and everyday is a day to serve.
Becoming mom is a journey. It does not happen the day you give birth or welcome your baby home. Becoming mom comes slowly moment by moment, day by day. It comes as you look your six year old in the eyes to answer their important questions. It comes as you teach your four year old how to express her anger. It comes as you patiently take your two-year-old to the potty one more time. It comes as you sit in the rocking chair feeding your baby in the dark of night. It comes as you wipe the sticky table. It comes as you prepare yet another meal. It comes as you read a book for the hundredth time. It comes as you dive into a mountain of homeschool curriculum. Becoming mom.
Mom isn’t just a name or title, it is a calling and a daily choice. To lay down your own desires and needs to think of another first. Mom is a refining process of becoming.
We are all at different places on our mothering journey. We all approach our mom journey in different ways. But we all have something in common, we are not the same women or mothers we were when we started this journey with that baby in our arms. We are all becoming…
I am a wife and mother of 4. My 4 little gifts are 6, 4, 2, and 7 months. As a family, we like going to parks and visiting family. I enjoy writing, long walks, and all things chocolate and peanut butter. Five years ago I started blogging on http://godsgoggles.com
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